I’m an extrovert. I like to laugh and talk and be happy. I am also a very sensitive person and have been struggling with moderate clinical depression for several years. It’s hard… sometimes I’m happy, and sometimes I feel sad for no reason and it is frustrating to me! I know it’s all in my head, but sometimes there’s nothing I can do about it. Everything that I’m writing about is based mostly on my own personal experience and may not apply to everyone.
Here’s some things you should never say to someone who struggles with depression
- “You’re too sensitive!” Yeah I know I am, trust me if I could turn it off I would!
- “It’s all in your head” Yup, I know, but I can’t change how I feel.
- “But your life isn’t that bad” Maybe to you it doesn’t seem like it, but what a person is going through is relative. What seems really simple to you might affect them a lot because of reasons you don’t know.
- “At least you don’t have _____” Okay so maybe I don’t have cancer, or my parents aren’t divorced, but that doesn’t really make me feel any better. Like I said above, what a person is going through is relative.
- “Just be Happy” Trust me, if I could, I absolutely would. Please understand that none of us WANT to be depressed. Depression has been somewhat romanticized by society, but that is all lies. Depression is horrible and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.
- “Depression is a choice, you’re choosing to be sad” Actually, depression is a legitimate mental illness. Now just because I said “mental illness” does not make me a crazy person. However, its just like being sick. When you’re sick, your body doesn’t feel well, and you can’t just choose to not be sick, you have to eat some vitamins, get some rest, take some medicine, and let your body heal. Same with depression. When you’re depressed, you don’t feel well mentally, and sometimes even physically, and you can’t just choose to not be sad, you have to fight for it.
- “Just do _____ its literally impossible to feel sad while doing____” Following my previous example, its not really a choice to be sad or not. It’s like saying “its impossible to be sick while eating chicken soup!” Yeah maybe the soup makes me feel better, but I can still be sick while eating it.
- “So does that mean you’re like emo or something?” No.
- “Does that mean you have an eating disorder/self harm/are suicidal?” While that is a possibility, it doesn’t always follow that someone who is depressed has some sort of other disorder.
What you should do.
Sometimes you just can’t fix things. Sometimes a person doesn’t want you to try and fix their problems, they just want someone to be there for them. There is a beautiful saying, “A joy shared is twice the joy, but a sorrow shared is half the sorrow”. If you want to be a true friend, share in your friends’ lives, the good and the bad.
And remember, actions speak louder than words. Don’t just show your support by words, do something nice for them. If you hear that your friend has been feeling down lately, bake them some cookies, or give them some flowers or even something as simple as a little handwritten note or a drawing. Or maybe just offer to spend some time with them, go for a walk, go out and get coffee, try a craft off Pinterest, play with kittens…Even just give them a big hug. You’d often be surprised just how much those little things can mean when you’re feeling stuck in a deep dark pit.
When you hangout with friends, try not to be on your cell phone a lot. It might seem insignificant, but it can often make someone else feel like they’re boring you, or you don’t want to be there, even if that is not your intention at all!
Try to be aware of the people you’re spending time with. If you see someone if being quiet and standing off by themselves, make an effort to include them. Sometimes they might not want to, but at least by making an effort, it shows them that they were not forgotten.
If you make an inside joke and another person doesn’t understand it, explain it to them! You don’t have to give them a whole background story, but just a really brief explanation is not that difficult. Don’t leave the other person confused and in the dark while you laugh about it with someone else. Even if they don’t fully understand it after you explain, at least you made an effort to include them so they don’t feel lame and left out.
When you’re in a group of friends talking about people that one person might not know, that’s fine, but try and offer them a little background so they can keep up with the conversation. This happens to me frequently, not on purpose of course, just accidentally. Maybe I don’t go to your school and wouldn’t know the people being talked about so it’s irrelevant to me anyway, but if you’re going to talk about it in front of me, try to include me in the conversation. It can be even the subtlest change from this, for example: “Ugh my teacher Mr. Smith did this today I can’t believe it.” To this, “Ugh Mr. Smith –that’s my chemistry teacher- did this thing today, I can’t believe it.” It makes a huge difference. Now I know who this Mr. Smith is and I can feel like part of the conversation instead of an accidental bystander.
Lastly, just because someone who has been depressed starts to feel better and not look so sad, does not necessarily mean their depression just disappeared. There’s good days and bad days. Sometimes people tend to be oblivious to how someone feels until its really bad. It is such a blessing to have people help you through the really dark holes in your life, but the rest of the time, when you’re feeling okay, you could still use a friend.
We all need friends who will rescue us when we fall off a cliff, but it makes life so much better for everyone when you have friends who will help you when you trip or fall in a puddle as well. Sure we could walk out of the puddle ourselves, but its so much better with a friend at our side to laugh a little and help us up. To offer support, encouragement, friendship. Someone to be there when you’re feeling a little sad, to say “I’m here for you always”. Someone to remind you that you’re more than your mistakes. Someone to randomly bring you cookies or show up at your house when you’re feeling lonely. Someone to be Christ to you.
As Catholics, we are called to serve one another. Not just in words, but in actions as well, and this will require sacrifices. God created us all; we are his artwork, his masterpiece. He loves us infinitely more than we can imagine. But he didn’t just want to tell us that he loved us, he wanted to show us! We can see this in Jesus dying a horrific death on the cross to save all of us. He was God, I’m sure he could have come up with another way to save the human race from their sins. Heck he didn’t even need to save us! But he loved us so much that he sent us the most real, most physical and most powerful sign of his love for us that we could possible get.
And to those of you who might struggle with depression, I know it’s really hard sometimes. But everyone has a cross to carry and this is yours. It can be a curse and a blessing though. Some days even the littlest thing can make you so upset its ridiculous.. I know.. I’ve been there a lot. Other days however, you can find joy and delight in the smallest things, and it is beautiful! You feel things stronger than other people, which allows you to be hurt more, but also to love more. Remember Jesus and our Lady had human emotions, and because of their perfect, flawless love, they felt things more deeply than we can imagine. You are more in tune with what others may be feeling, so use this gift to help others and make the world a better place! Not everyone has this gift; it is special. And remember God will never give us more than we can handle. Even if it’s really hard some days, you will get through this!
I urge you all to try and imitate Christ even in the smallest way, reaching out to a friend, any friend, with a small little act of kindness. Show them, not just tell them, that you care. As Mother Theresa said, ““Not all of us can do great things. But we can do small things with great love.” And again from St. Faustina, “Pure love is capable of great deeds, and it is not broken by difficulty or adversity. As it remains strong in the midst of great difficulties, so too it perseveres in the toilsome and drab life of each day. It knows that only one thing is needed to please God: to do even the smallest things out of great love — love, and always love.”
Can you imagine if we all just strove to do small things with great love? The love of Christ? We could transform the world into a beautiful place!
