Doubts: Thinking Outloud

I feel so disappointed in myself. Discouraged. I want to be on fire with love, giving my life to serving God and others. But what am I doing? Lying in bed typing on a computer. Watching Netflix, and getting annoyed at other people when they interrupt my watching to ask for my help. What has happened to me? I used to love to help people? Why has it become a nuisance? I want to be on fire with the Spirit, but instead I am wallowing in doubts and complacency.

I used to spend hours every week working in an online Catholic teen media group I helped start. That was my passion! It was through that I discovered my love for graphic design and decided to pursue a degree in Mass Communications at a Catholic college. But the past year I have so badly neglected my group, and my friends. The very people I want most to serve. But I don’t know how to fix it. I spend so much time trying to get good grades at school, and the rest of my time is spent either wasted on the Internet, or trying to connect with people in real life.

I used to be passionate about things and I see passionate people... And I'm not like that anymore

I’m not like the people who stay up late at night learning more about science and building amazing technology, working to be inventors of tomorrow….

And I’m not like the athletes who spend hours training to be the best they can be, or the dancers who spend hours dancing to become a better dancer and learn to eventually teach dance and bring joy to young people’s lives.

I love my graphic design work and art, but do I spend hours working to buy a camera, teach myself how to use it, how to edit, learning new graphic design skills...learning new artistic skills? No.

What do I do? Watch Netflix. Maybe if I'm bored sew a dress... Do some cleaning and organizing to feel useful.
But I'm not. I'm just complacent. Mediocre. And not doing a damn thing about my life. I suck. I have no drive to do stuff right now, and I hate it so much.  Maybe I don’t suck. I know God made me as a person with a mission and inherent worth. But I feel so unworthy right now. Doing nothing, while he does so much. But then doubts plague my mind, wondering if he even exists? Does he even hear me crying out to him in my miserable state? And then my depression which I worked so hard to overcome, comes creeping back and I am too complacent to fight it back.

What am I passionate about?!

Nothing?!

Maybe one could say I am passionate about people, and I am, in that I care about them. But what do I do for people? I used to have so many friends that would come to me, and I’d help them, and they’d help me. But now that number is so small. And the few friends that I have left, they are so much stronger than me. I need them more than they need me. So how do I help people? How do I serve them?

I love people. But people don't invite me to things and I simply give up and stop trying. Just wallow in bitterness that no one likes me, and stop trying to be social. That’s not what Jesus would do!

At school I try to serve people by doing graphic design for the Ministry office. But, it feels.... I don’t know.. Like they're taking advantage of it? As if they’re saying, "Make these posters and have them done by tonight because this is your job and if you can't do it well you're putting things before God you naughty girl". I can’t tell any more if it is them or my own mind that is saying that. Or maybe it’s both. I feel like a scared little child when I'm working with ministry. Humbly obeying.... but then pridefully and immaturely complaining to everyone about it.... and then bawling my eyes out when I'm alone in my car....That is not how a humble servant of the Lord acts!

I don't feel like I can connect to hardly anyone right now... I feel like I burden people more than connect as a friend. I'm constantly trying to act calm, act cool, tone down the obsessive caring.... and I just want to pour my heart out and love people to death. Give them everything; make them happy. But I can’t. I need my own child or something.... but that isn't going to happen for a while... so what do I do in the meantime?

What is my mission? I don’t know… But I am tired of wasting time. I must find my passion again… the drive to do something with my life and be on fire for the Lord. But how?

Beloved Son of God or Boyfriend Material?

Recently I went on a weekend retreat, and I didn’t really know what to expect from it. It was specifically designed so you didn’t have any idea what was going on, and you had to rely on those who were running the retreat, and its goal was to foster the deep and intense sense of community that our faith is supposed to have. I also, as much as I hate to admit it, had a vague thought floating around in the back of my brain that was “hmm a retreat sounds like a good place to meet great Catholic single guys”.

It’s such a frustrating thing, going to a college with nearly 2,000 students, and still struggling to find the good Catholic guys, at least.. ones who are not already dating. But I also would rarely even admit that those thoughts cross my mind because of this battle going on in my head. I feel like admitting that I really want to find a significant other, or admitting that I find some guy attractive, is wrong.

Wrong for two reasons: first, because as a Catholic we’re supposed to be wholly satisfied with God right? But what does that even look like? How do desires for love, and attraction to other people fit in to that satisfaction that comes only from God? I don’t know, I am still figuring that out. And secondly, I am afraid of judgement from others. Our culture is so messed up that its as if people are literally only out there to get the guy or girl, or else to totally shun any idea of romance.
At my college, often if you even mention a guy’s name too many times you begin to be teased, but not in a lighthearted manner, but rather more to the effect of “ew don’t be that girl”, or “oh my gosh you’re like boy crazy get over it”.

So in my head, I just fight it, pretend like those feelings and thoughts don’t exist. If I pass by a guy walking to class and he happens to look very attractive, and that thought even crosses my mind, I mentally slap myself and am angry at myself. But the thing is, as a 20 year old female, desires and attractions are simply a normal part of life! They’re part of who I am! And no amount of burying the feelings makes them go away, in fact, the more I try to bury the feelings, the more of a struggle it is. The inner conversations in my brain multiple times a day go something along the lines of “Oh he’s cute” “Ugh! You shallow girl is that all you can see? How dare you find him cute?” *mental slap* *walks looking at the ground to avoid more encounters like this*

When that’s your brain process, it becomes harder and harder to see other people, in my case, guys, as what they are. Human beings with inherent worth; Beloved sons of God; my brothers in Christ. The first thing my brain does is to analyze them as boyfriend material, rather than seeking to see Christ in them and loving them for that, regardless of anything else. This brings me back to the retreat I went on.

When I first got there, I subconsciously was evaluating each of the men there. Of course they nearly all turned out to be in relationships or seniors who will be leaving the college for good in only two weeks. And at first, I could see nothing past that…but as the retreat progressed, different speakers, men and women, were sharing their testimonies and their deepest struggles. I knew no one on the retreat to begin with, but I got to know many of these people on a deeper level that I never would have otherwise. I also was forced (in a good way) to just be, and to let myself be loved and served with the unselfish love of Christ by the various leaders of the retreat. The very first night, my pride that was keeping me from being open to the retreat like I needed to be, was smashed to the ground when I had an anxiety attack and was crying for hours. I knew no one, but I had no choice but to let them love me and take care of me, as much as my pride wanted to just run away and hide. In the two days that followed these retreat leaders, men and women, would wash the very dirty feet of those of us on the retreat (we had been running around barefoot outside all day!), they prayed over us with such genuine sincerity, poured out their stories with such powerful vulnerability, showing us such selfless love. On the last day, we discovered that while we were on retreat, there was another group of people on a separate retreat, who had spent the entire time praying for each of us individually, by name, even thought many of them did not know us!

This whole experience helped me see all these people, women and the men, more through Christ’s eyes…as my brothers and sisters in Christ, full of worth, each with a unique story and a unique cross…human beings worth knowing! By the end I saw so much more to each and every one of the guys than just whether or not they were dateable.

God Speaks

The importance of reflection and discovering how God speaks to you....

I am distracted easily; I am absolutely terrible with mental silence, and though I have tried, I have never been able to hear God “speak” to me in the silence. Maybe I am too distracted or didn’t try hard enough, but God is not limited to silence.

God, love itself, pursues us constantly, making accommodations for us, we just have to be open to him. God made me, created me.  He gave me my unique personality and quirks and love of talking and writing (seriously… I like never stop talking and writing). He knows I suck at being silent and listening sometimes. So he speaks to me in ways I can hear him.

I recently came to the realization that God was talking to me through my talking and writing! I would be discussing a topic with a friend and suddenly a profound thought would spew out of my mouth that I know was not my own. Similarly, I would sit down to write in my journal with nothing in mind and suddenly words would just come, telling me what I needed to know.  (Like what I’m saying right now, none of this was planned, I just suddenly got the urge to pull out my journal and write at 1am! It is probably largely due to my spazzy personality, but God works with that in ways that amaze me).

I urge you all to try spending a few minutes every night or morning discovering how God speaks to you. Maybe for you he will speak in the silence of your heart. For others, try reading a page of a Saint book or even just a bible quote and try writing down what you think about it, or how you relate to it. Even if you think you have no thoughts about it, try writing or thinking about it, see what comes to you. Another idea that I use a lot is talking to a friend. Read something in a Saint book, or bible, or encyclical, or news article even, that you don’t understand? Try discussing it with a friend and see what sort of things you come up with together. Struggling with something? Talk to a friend! Find a friend that won’t just commiserate with you, but will also help you to come to a deeper understanding of yourself, and therefore help you better understand your struggles. Discussions on any topic can lead to all sorts of discoveries! Who knows, maybe you’ll even answer you own question in a way you didn’t expect.

Whatever you try, don’t expect a big booming voice from heaven to suddenly answer all your questions (though if you do, that’s great… but it hasn’t happened to me yet!).  Sometimes we might even be left with even more questions then we had before, but we should realize that these are questions God wants us to ponder.

Sometimes it might seem like God isn’t saying anything and that’s okay. It can take days, weeks, months, or even years to realize everything God is telling us. That’s okay. Just trust, for God’s plans are better than our wildest dreams. 

-Kristina Cecilia

On Depression, Friendship, and Love

I’m an extrovert. I like to laugh and talk and be happy. I am also a very sensitive person and have been struggling with moderate clinical depression for several years. It’s hard… sometimes I’m happy, and sometimes I feel sad for no reason and it is frustrating to me! I know it’s all in my head, but sometimes there’s nothing I can do about it. Everything that I’m writing about is based mostly on my own personal experience and may not apply to everyone.

Here’s some things you should never say to someone who struggles with depression

•  “You’re too sensitive!” Yeah I know I am, trust me if I could turn it off I would!
•  “It’s all in your head”  Yup, I know, but I can’t change how I feel.

• “But your life isn’t that bad”  Maybe to you it doesn’t seem like it, but what a person is going through is relative. What seems really simple to you might affect them a lot because of reasons you don’t know.
• “At least you don’t have _____”  Okay so maybe I don’t have cancer, or my parents aren’t divorced, but that doesn’t really make me feel any better. Like I said above, what a person is going through is relative.
• “Just be Happy”  Trust me, if I could, I absolutely would. Please understand that none of us WANT to be depressed. Depression has been somewhat romanticized by society, but that is all lies. Depression is horrible and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.
• “Depression is a choice, you’re choosing to be sad”  Actually, depression is a legitimate mental illness. Now just because I said “mental illness” does not make me a crazy person. However, its just like being sick. When you’re sick, your body doesn’t feel well, and you can’t just choose to not be sick, you have to eat some vitamins, get some rest, take some medicine, and let your body heal. Same with depression. When you’re depressed, you don’t feel well mentally, and sometimes even physically, and you can’t just choose to not be sad, you have to fight for it.
• “Just do _____ its literally impossible to feel sad while doing____”  Following my previous example, its not really a choice to be sad or not. It’s like saying “its impossible to be sick while eating chicken soup!” Yeah maybe the soup makes me feel better, but I can still be sick while eating it.
• “So does that mean you’re like emo or something?” No.
• “Does that mean you have an eating disorder/self harm/are suicidal?” While that is a possibility, it doesn’t always follow that someone who is depressed has some sort of other disorder.  

What you should do.

Sometimes you just can’t fix things. Sometimes a person doesn’t want you to try and fix their problems, they just want someone to be there for them. There is a beautiful saying, “A joy shared is twice the joy, but a sorrow shared is half the sorrow”. If you want to be a true friend, share in your friends’ lives, the good and the bad.

And remember, actions speak louder than words. Don’t just show your support by words, do something nice for them. If you hear that your friend has been feeling down lately, bake them some cookies, or give them some flowers or even something as simple as a little handwritten note or a drawing. Or maybe just offer to spend some time with them, go for a walk, go out and get coffee, try a craft off Pinterest,  play with kittens…Even just give them a big hug. You’d often be surprised just how much those little things can mean when you’re feeling stuck in a deep dark pit.

When you hangout with friends, try not to be on your cell phone a lot. It might seem insignificant, but it can often make someone else feel like they’re boring you, or you don’t want to be there, even if that is not your intention at all!

Try to be aware of the people you’re spending time with. If you see someone if being quiet and standing off by themselves, make an effort to include them. Sometimes they might not want to, but at least by making an effort, it shows them that they were not forgotten.

If you make an inside joke and another person doesn’t understand it, explain it to them! You don’t have to give them a whole background story, but just a really brief explanation is not that difficult. Don’t leave the other person confused and in the dark while you laugh about it with someone else. Even if they don’t fully understand it after you explain, at least you made an effort to include them so they don’t feel lame and left out.

When you’re in a group of friends talking about people that one person might not know, that’s fine, but try and offer them a little background so they can keep up with the conversation. This happens to me frequently, not on purpose of course, just accidentally. Maybe I don’t go to your school and wouldn’t know the people being talked about so it’s irrelevant to me anyway, but if you’re going to talk about it in front of me, try to include me in the conversation. It can be even the subtlest change from this, for example: “Ugh my teacher Mr. Smith did this today I can’t believe it.” To this, “Ugh Mr. Smith –that’s my chemistry teacher- did this thing today, I can’t believe it.”   It makes a huge difference. Now I know who this Mr. Smith is and I can feel like part of the conversation instead of an accidental bystander.

Lastly, just because someone who has been depressed starts to feel better and not look so sad, does not necessarily mean their depression just disappeared. There’s good days and bad days. Sometimes people tend to be oblivious to how someone feels until its really bad.  It is such a blessing to have people help you through the really dark holes in your life, but the rest of the time, when you’re feeling okay, you could still use a friend.

We all need friends who will rescue us when we fall off a cliff, but it makes life so much better for everyone when you have friends who will help you when you trip or fall in a puddle as well. Sure we could walk out of the puddle ourselves, but its so much better with a friend at our side to laugh a little and help us up. To offer support, encouragement, friendship. Someone to be there when you’re feeling a little sad, to say “I’m here for you always”. Someone to remind you that you’re more than your mistakes. Someone to randomly bring you cookies or show up at your house when you’re feeling lonely. Someone to be Christ to you.

As Catholics, we are called to serve one another. Not just in words, but in actions as well, and this will require sacrifices.  God created us all; we are his artwork, his masterpiece. He loves us infinitely more than we can imagine. But he didn’t just want to tell us that he loved us, he wanted to show us! We can see this in Jesus dying a horrific death on the cross to save all of us. He was God, I’m sure he could have come up with another way to save the human race from their sins. Heck he didn’t even need to save us! But he loved us so much that he sent us the most real, most physical and most powerful sign of his love for us that we could possible get.

And to those of you who might struggle with depression, I know it’s really hard sometimes. But everyone has a cross to carry and this is yours. It can be a curse and a blessing though. Some days even the littlest thing can make you so upset its ridiculous.. I know.. I’ve been there a lot.  Other days however, you can find joy and delight in the smallest things, and it is beautiful! You feel things stronger than other people, which allows you to be hurt more, but also to love more. Remember Jesus and our Lady had human emotions, and because of their perfect, flawless love, they felt things more deeply than we can imagine. You are more in tune with what others may be feeling, so use this gift to help others and make the world a better place! Not everyone has this gift; it is special. And remember God will never give us more than we can handle. Even if it’s really hard some days, you will get through this!

I urge you all to try and imitate Christ even in the smallest way, reaching out to a friend, any friend, with a small little act of kindness. Show them, not just tell them, that you care. As Mother Theresa said, ““Not all of us can do great things. But we can do small things with great love.”  And again from St. Faustina, “Pure love is capable of great deeds, and it is not broken by difficulty or adversity. As it remains strong in the midst of great difficulties, so too it perseveres in the toilsome and drab life of each day. It knows that only one thing is needed to please God: to do even the smallest things out of great love — love, and always love.”

Can you imagine if we all just strove to do small things with great love? The love of Christ? We could transform the world into a beautiful place!

Inconsistency

One of things I find the most irritating and disconcerting, is inconsistency. I hate when people say one thing, and then change their mind. I hate it when you are told something will be delicious, and it ends up being disgusting. I hate it when people tell you something, and you believe them, and then you find it out it was all lies. I hate it when you get your hopes up about something, only to have them all dashed to pieces.

This has happened to me quite a lot in my life... and it's very difficult to get over it sometimes, forgive the people involved whether by accident or on purpose, and learn to have faith in things again...

But then I was thinking about the Church and how incredible it is that 1.) We know without a doubt that Church teachings are true. They are infallible and without error and we know this because Jesus promised it to us. Church teachings can't lie to us! 2.) We know that Church teachings will never change. Ever. For over 2,000 years the Church has held fast to its beliefs.

So the Church is guaranteed to be Truthful and Unchanging. It's something we can rely on to be our consistent rock in our messy inconsistent world. Pretty awesome right?

Forgive Myself?

Many times we hear the Church talk about forgiving others, “Jesus said to him, "I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven” (Matt. 18:22). But oftentimes we forget that this includes forgiving ourselves too. If you’re like me you usually don’t have a hard time forgiving others. I’m that bubbly sort of person that just loves everyone. But when it comes to forgiving myself...well, lets just say I still haven’t mastered that yet.  Why is it so hard to forgive ourselves? I’m still trying to figure that out. 

I’ll be honest, like many others, there’s a lot I don’t really like about myself, and I’m constantly hearing people say to “love yourself”. But whenever I hear that, a little voice in my head is screaming, “I KNOW THAT! BUT HOW DO I LOVE ME?” That is my constant struggle; how do I love and  forgive ME?

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But why does it matter? We aren’t supposed to think highly of ourselves right?  I mean you wouldn’t want to be arrogant would you? *gasp* And the bible says to be humble, right?  But here’s the thing, self-deprecation IS NOT humility! To be humble, means that you think of others more than yourself. But when you hate yourself, and can’t forgive yourself, you are thinking about yourself. It is a deadly, sneaky form of pride, trying to poison your life. As Renee Catherine from New Catholic Generation said once, “We ought to think of ourselves less, not less of ourselves”. Self-deprecation is a lie, humility is knowing the truth about ourselves, loving ourselves (the good and the bad) and seeking to become a better person so we can help others. 

So now we know that we need to forgive ourselves and why…. but that still leaves the question, How?  Well that is the real question isn’t it… I will be completely honest and say I don’t have any magic solution. Forgiving myself is still an on-going struggle for me. It is not something that you can just wake up one morning and say, “I forgive myself” and *poof* a rainbow appears over your head and you’re suddenly happy (I really wish it happened like that, haha!). But rather, forgiveness is more of the long hard journey that leads you to happiness.

My life’s goal is to be a missionary, evangelizing to youth. But lately, I’ve seen many of my friends falling away from the church. Occasionally I will try to talk to them about what they’re doing, but everytime I get mocked, laughed at, and then ignored. And because I’m afraid of being left alone, deserted by these friends, or worse, have them hate me, I begin to do nothing. I sit by and watch my friends attempt to find happiness through worldly things, but they become more and more miserable as they dive deeper and deeper into the world around them. I do nothing because I am too scared! Sometimes I’m tempted to follow them, because it would be easier than trying to resist. I’m no better than them, allowing myself to make excuses to allow the inappropriate jokes, and even laughing at them! And I hate myself for it!

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How do you forgive yourself for so big a failure? I’ve realized a couple things, 1. I need to help myself, before I can help anyone else. I have to stop going along with the inappropriate jokes and laughing before I can convince anyone that it is wrong to say those things. I need to trust God, learn to not be afraid, before I can help anyone else trust God. I must convince myself, before I can convince anyone else. 2.  If I want to forgive myself, I can’t just sit back and do nothing anymore. I have to speak up, even if people hate me for it. I have to do what I know is the right thing to do, and then I will be able to forgive myself.