Recently I went on a weekend retreat, and I didn’t really know what to expect from it. It was specifically designed so you didn’t have any idea what was going on, and you had to rely on those who were running the retreat, and its goal was to foster the deep and intense sense of community that our faith is supposed to have. I also, as much as I hate to admit it, had a vague thought floating around in the back of my brain that was “hmm a retreat sounds like a good place to meet great Catholic single guys”.
It’s such a frustrating thing, going to a college with nearly 2,000 students, and still struggling to find the good Catholic guys, at least.. ones who are not already dating. But I also would rarely even admit that those thoughts cross my mind because of this battle going on in my head. I feel like admitting that I really want to find a significant other, or admitting that I find some guy attractive, is wrong.
Wrong for two reasons: first, because as a Catholic we’re supposed to be wholly satisfied with God right? But what does that even look like? How do desires for love, and attraction to other people fit in to that satisfaction that comes only from God? I don’t know, I am still figuring that out. And secondly, I am afraid of judgement from others. Our culture is so messed up that its as if people are literally only out there to get the guy or girl, or else to totally shun any idea of romance.
At my college, often if you even mention a guy’s name too many times you begin to be teased, but not in a lighthearted manner, but rather more to the effect of “ew don’t be that girl”, or “oh my gosh you’re like boy crazy get over it”.
So in my head, I just fight it, pretend like those feelings and thoughts don’t exist. If I pass by a guy walking to class and he happens to look very attractive, and that thought even crosses my mind, I mentally slap myself and am angry at myself. But the thing is, as a 20 year old female, desires and attractions are simply a normal part of life! They’re part of who I am! And no amount of burying the feelings makes them go away, in fact, the more I try to bury the feelings, the more of a struggle it is. The inner conversations in my brain multiple times a day go something along the lines of “Oh he’s cute” “Ugh! You shallow girl is that all you can see? How dare you find him cute?” *mental slap* *walks looking at the ground to avoid more encounters like this*
When that’s your brain process, it becomes harder and harder to see other people, in my case, guys, as what they are. Human beings with inherent worth; Beloved sons of God; my brothers in Christ. The first thing my brain does is to analyze them as boyfriend material, rather than seeking to see Christ in them and loving them for that, regardless of anything else. This brings me back to the retreat I went on.
When I first got there, I subconsciously was evaluating each of the men there. Of course they nearly all turned out to be in relationships or seniors who will be leaving the college for good in only two weeks. And at first, I could see nothing past that…but as the retreat progressed, different speakers, men and women, were sharing their testimonies and their deepest struggles. I knew no one on the retreat to begin with, but I got to know many of these people on a deeper level that I never would have otherwise. I also was forced (in a good way) to just be, and to let myself be loved and served with the unselfish love of Christ by the various leaders of the retreat. The very first night, my pride that was keeping me from being open to the retreat like I needed to be, was smashed to the ground when I had an anxiety attack and was crying for hours. I knew no one, but I had no choice but to let them love me and take care of me, as much as my pride wanted to just run away and hide. In the two days that followed these retreat leaders, men and women, would wash the very dirty feet of those of us on the retreat (we had been running around barefoot outside all day!), they prayed over us with such genuine sincerity, poured out their stories with such powerful vulnerability, showing us such selfless love. On the last day, we discovered that while we were on retreat, there was another group of people on a separate retreat, who had spent the entire time praying for each of us individually, by name, even thought many of them did not know us!
This whole experience helped me see all these people, women and the men, more through Christ’s eyes…as my brothers and sisters in Christ, full of worth, each with a unique story and a unique cross…human beings worth knowing! By the end I saw so much more to each and every one of the guys than just whether or not they were dateable.
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