Doubts: Thinking Outloud

I feel so disappointed in myself. Discouraged. I want to be on fire with love, giving my life to serving God and others. But what am I doing? Lying in bed typing on a computer. Watching Netflix, and getting annoyed at other people when they interrupt my watching to ask for my help. What has happened to me? I used to love to help people? Why has it become a nuisance? I want to be on fire with the Spirit, but instead I am wallowing in doubts and complacency.

I used to spend hours every week working in an online Catholic teen media group I helped start. That was my passion! It was through that I discovered my love for graphic design and decided to pursue a degree in Mass Communications at a Catholic college. But the past year I have so badly neglected my group, and my friends. The very people I want most to serve. But I don’t know how to fix it. I spend so much time trying to get good grades at school, and the rest of my time is spent either wasted on the Internet, or trying to connect with people in real life.

I used to be passionate about things and I see passionate people... And I'm not like that anymore

I’m not like the people who stay up late at night learning more about science and building amazing technology, working to be inventors of tomorrow….

And I’m not like the athletes who spend hours training to be the best they can be, or the dancers who spend hours dancing to become a better dancer and learn to eventually teach dance and bring joy to young people’s lives.

I love my graphic design work and art, but do I spend hours working to buy a camera, teach myself how to use it, how to edit, learning new graphic design skills...learning new artistic skills? No.

What do I do? Watch Netflix. Maybe if I'm bored sew a dress... Do some cleaning and organizing to feel useful.
But I'm not. I'm just complacent. Mediocre. And not doing a damn thing about my life. I suck. I have no drive to do stuff right now, and I hate it so much.  Maybe I don’t suck. I know God made me as a person with a mission and inherent worth. But I feel so unworthy right now. Doing nothing, while he does so much. But then doubts plague my mind, wondering if he even exists? Does he even hear me crying out to him in my miserable state? And then my depression which I worked so hard to overcome, comes creeping back and I am too complacent to fight it back.

What am I passionate about?!

Nothing?!

Maybe one could say I am passionate about people, and I am, in that I care about them. But what do I do for people? I used to have so many friends that would come to me, and I’d help them, and they’d help me. But now that number is so small. And the few friends that I have left, they are so much stronger than me. I need them more than they need me. So how do I help people? How do I serve them?

I love people. But people don't invite me to things and I simply give up and stop trying. Just wallow in bitterness that no one likes me, and stop trying to be social. That’s not what Jesus would do!

At school I try to serve people by doing graphic design for the Ministry office. But, it feels.... I don’t know.. Like they're taking advantage of it? As if they’re saying, "Make these posters and have them done by tonight because this is your job and if you can't do it well you're putting things before God you naughty girl". I can’t tell any more if it is them or my own mind that is saying that. Or maybe it’s both. I feel like a scared little child when I'm working with ministry. Humbly obeying.... but then pridefully and immaturely complaining to everyone about it.... and then bawling my eyes out when I'm alone in my car....That is not how a humble servant of the Lord acts!

I don't feel like I can connect to hardly anyone right now... I feel like I burden people more than connect as a friend. I'm constantly trying to act calm, act cool, tone down the obsessive caring.... and I just want to pour my heart out and love people to death. Give them everything; make them happy. But I can’t. I need my own child or something.... but that isn't going to happen for a while... so what do I do in the meantime?

What is my mission? I don’t know… But I am tired of wasting time. I must find my passion again… the drive to do something with my life and be on fire for the Lord. But how?